voice mail

what the hell am i doing... i just cant bare to not attempt to talk to her.. i am ultimate fail. so today i text her telling her i liked her fb link and she does not text back at all. she does not respond to my im later tonight and i just called her twice just to get to voice mail. wtf is wrong with me. maybe she got my text from last night saying that im not talking to her because i dont want to be persistent. and now she is not talking to me because she thinks its the right thing to do. then why the hell am i trying to talk to her nonstop... i basically dug my own grave. is she mad at me for ignoring her the other night? but why wud she be mad at me if she tells me that she doesnt feel the same way as she use to feel. fml to the max. it sucks to take back what i tried to do but its just so hard to do that if deep down i know i dont want to stop talking to her. i continuously have these crazy thoughts about being able to see her. and i even remember waking up this morning from a dream that has to do with her texting me back from last night. that is just pathetic... never have i ever been this crazy about anyone and i deny that it is because im chasing after her because i got turned down. ive been chasing after her since day one and to do otherwise is just so hard. the choice between talking and not talking to her is apparent, and i know that i want to choose to talk to her.

dont be sad, im doing this because i love you

i woke up today telling myself i will not talk to her. she texts me twice today first saying "look what u did my voice is all froggy" then saying "and im bout to pass out at work zz..". i really wanted to text her bad, every muscle in my body was telling me to text her back, but i couldnt. i couldnt text her because i know if i did i will just feel like crap. the dilemma at hand is that if i keep talking to her, she will just continue to have her mind made up and nothing i say will change her mind. but if i dont talk to her, she will also slowly get over it and the same result will happen in the end. what should i do then? both end in me not being able to be with her and that feeling is the worst. worst then anything i have ever felt. i also got turned down twice today, first was talking to her on the phone and then this morning hearing that i didnt get the job. i feel like ive lost all confidence. my mom also calls me today and tells me that time is running out and i need to go home soon. everything i came here to do it seems like it all failed. later tonight she text me one more time saying "im sad ur not talking to me.." and i just could not resist anymore, i had to text her back and i said "i loved talking to you, but i feel the more i talk to you the more i will try to change your mind and thats not what you want.." even after i said that, i was so hoping that she would text back with somethine, maybe something signifying that theres hope but i knew it was not happening. i continue to keep looking at her tumblr and there are some stuff there that has to do with us still. if i cannot talk to her no more i just wish she would continue updating her tumblr and blogspot so even if i dont know what she is doing everyday, even if i dont get to hear her voice and have her tell me how she feels, i can know what is going on with her life. i feel so pathetic at times but i guess thats what love is. i try to tell myself to give up but its not that easy and i continue to think about her all day long.

"i no longer feel the same way i felt for you"

i will  finally take some advice from a friend and write a blog that i will keep for myself. today is as well of a day to finally start it. March 8, 2010, the very first day i got to hang out with rena. ever since then i have fallen in love with this girl. five months has gone by and today marks the day where my heart is broken beyond repair. these past few days, ive been pouring my heart out to her and yet the conclusion seems unchanged. she told me today that not only has her mind been set, but she no longer feels the same way that she use to feel. she no longer want the daily phone calls, no longer have the same feelings that we developed. it hurts so much because i have never felt this way about anyone and finally someone like her comes by and i give it everything i got. unfortunately, it is too late for her to hear the stuff i have to say. i havent given up the past two weeks since she ended it and to this day i still have not given up even if i tell her im gonna stop trying. im lying to her and to myself. but the fact is, i will no longer pursue her and from this day on i dont even know if i can talk to her anymore. the future can not be predicted, and maybe sometime in the future things will change, but she seems certain that as of right now, there is no future between us. i cant believe i loved this girl so much that she was my motivation to come all the way back to buffalo just to be closer with her. i saw a future with her for as long as i remember, but i just waited too long to tell her the truth. i feel like such a failure. what can i do if the one i love doesnt feel the same way? all i can do is.... nothing. i dont know what to do. some people will say, "i wish i can tell this stuff to the significant other". well i've have literally told her EVERYTHING i had in my mind and she did not nudge. maybe i love her so much because i like the way she is so hardheaded like me. it doesnt matter now because i gave it my all and in the end, as all summers end, its over just like that.