smallest reminders

There's a funny story behind this picture. Of all things to find around the internet, I have encountered this picture which I have seen a long time ago. The significant of this picture is a reminder of the days in the past. Not during a time of complete happiness but also not during a time of sorrow. It was during a time when a guy chased all he can chase towards a girl that meant the world to him. A girl who had made up her mind that she and him can never be together. And yet he did not stop trying.

Its crazy how in the beginning of any two people's story, you want to learn as much as possible about the other person. You look to see if they are online everyday, you want to text them every morning to say good morning and hi and you want to text them every night before you go to bed. You even check their facebook, or tumblr or whatever they have constantly to know what they are up to. I guess this can also be border line stalking but a nicer way to put it is just plain and simple being crazy about that person. I remember when I first say this picture, I quickly asked what that post was about, like every part of me was wishing it had anything to do with me. And if i remember correctly, this was late at night and it was also over the phone. The answer she gave me was not disappointing, rather it was quite amusing and frankly did not let me down one bit because I was just happy to be talking to her anyways.

She said that quote was about her love for chocolate.

I guess when you have such strong feelings about the other person, you just want to know how they feel and whats on their mind because you have this hope that she might be thinking about you. It's a really dumb thing to think because in the end, if she wasn't thinking about you at all, you can totally feel like crap. But if you are lucky enough, and if theres any part of her that feels the same way you feel about them, then she might really do think about you.

Who knows, you might just be an idiot.

Was it worth it

When two people break up, more than likely, each individual turns to their friends. After all, no one wants to be alone, that will just drive you crazy. The thing is, most break ups are not mutual. In order words, it is one persons decision to end the relation and the other might not want the same. This is a short story from the perspective of the one who did not want it to end.

Of course when you are in those shoes, you feel all bummed out and gloomy all the time even while you are with your friends who are there to support you and comfort you. Some people are stronger of course, in the sense that they show no emotion and act like everything is fine and that they will just have to move on. I always thought I was this person. After all, all my friends use to tell me that I never show them if I was sad or not and I always have a smile on my face. Well I guess this time I could not just have a fake smile on my face. Not to start the story on talking about all and everything about how its like to be in these shoes, but just trying to speak on one thing I noticed myself. This thing is that when you've broken up with that significant other, your friends sometimes try to cheer you up by speaking ill of that person. I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about. All those comments like "oh she's not even that pretty" or "whatever who cares about that bitch". Thanks friends, but to be honest, that does absolutely nothing for me.

Even if people keep telling you that shes not that pretty anyways, it wont ever change how you feel about that person. I'm talking about you still knowing in your own mind, that no matter how many girls are around you, the second that person walks through the door, everyone else just becomes a background. Even if everyone around you thinks they are not that pretty, you know yourself that she is the most beautiful girl you ever had your eyes on. And this wont change. You might want to feel otherwise, but the truth is, she really is fucking gorgeous to you. Maybe I am just speaking for the moment, but at the same time this moment, you reflect back on the first time you laid eyes on her before you were even going out, before you even had any feelings for this person, you already thought she was such a gem.

No matter how many times people tell you that shes a bitch or that you did so much for her, none of that gets drilled into your head. The time you spent together, the time that it was only the two of you. That is what determines what kind of person she was. No one in the world knows how much she has done for you except yourself and in your mind you know it is more than you can ask for. All those little things people dont know about are more than enough for you to have given her the world. Because its those things that make you fall so hard in love with them. Only you know how far from a bitch she is because only you know how considerate she is and how much she supported you and how much she loved you.

Thats the thing about relationships. Even if its over, even if you didnt want it, and even if everyone around you is telling you shes not worth it. To you, she will always be worth more than the world itself and everything you have done for her was worth all of it.

Happy Birthday R.

When you know, you are not the one they are thinking about anymore

You always hear people say that a man's biggest mistake is to allow another man have the pleasure in making  the woman they love smile. This cannot be stressed enough. All relationships have their ups and downs but the most important thing is to be able to move past the downs and retain the smile that was once there. Once that smile fades, you face the danger of seeing the girl walk away and chances are there are no redemptions, no apologies, no rewind that can bring them back.

We must always remember to never stop chasing because the second the chase is gone, then all thats left is a path down the road of tolerance and eventually all the memories of the days that you were once crazy about each other become just a haze of cloud in which you forgot what it felt like to give them your all and expect nothing in return. I'm talking about the unconditional love you offer them because they mean that much to you and no matter what happens, you will fight for the word "us" rather than "you" or "I". Once "us" is no more, keep in mind that whether you move on or not, they will have and there will be someone out there that will take your place. Take the place of the person who will chase them to the worlds end. Take the place of the person who is capable of making them have a genuine smile that can turn anything upside down. When you have reached this point, all thats left is to face the fact that your path is now without them and their path will only inevitably become parallel with someone else.

You cannot control who they see, who they talk to, who makes them happy. You had your opportunity in making them feel like no one else in the world can love them as much as you do. But you fucked it up, and now you will have to see them develop those feelings for another individual. Even if you still care for them more than the world itself, you are no longer capable of providing them with the feelings they wanted, the feeling they hoped to have for you in the past. I've said this plenty of time before, but you are once again left with only yourself and a world without them.

Quit the facebook stalking, quit the thinking about them everyday, quit the wishing you can just go back to a time when you were crazy about each other. All these things will hurt you more because you will only start seeing that what you two were at once is now a repeat, but with someone else in their lives. You can try talking to them as much as you can, but eventually you will just become the annoy person that keeps bothering them and no allowing them to move on. You are basically making a fool out of yourself. All those love stories you read and videos you watch about moving on does not apply to you because you still feel like all the advice are from people that are bitter, and you just cant admit to yourself that perhaps the bitter one is you. But who else is there to blame but yourself. You had your warnings multiple times. They kept telling you that they dont want to lose feelings for you, that all they wanted was for you to express to them how much you mean to them. Please, just please, take those advice and do not take anything for granted. Havent you heard people say all the time that you dont know whats gone until you've lost it? Well that's exactly what happened and you could have prevented it but you were too busy preoccupied with other things.

That person they are with now, it could have still been you, but its not. Never thought it would have been this way 3 months ago did you? Well things change, and people change, if you didnt want it to become what it is today, then you should have done something about it a long time ago.

The end...?

i dont know what to write. But the thing is I have so much thoughts in my head and the only way to make myself stop thinking it is to just type whatever im thinking out. There are seriously a million different things going on in my head whenever I have nothing to do and all million things point to her. I still havent stopped thinking about what she is doing, where she is at, and even who she might be with and whether she is happy or not. I dont want to turn into a stalker but I myself know that this is not okay. People around me keep telling me why does it matter, why do I care what she might be doing and stuff. Its true, it might not matter in other peoples eyes, and I'm really not suppose to think about it. Its not like we are together anymore. But I care about her so much. I want to talk to her so much, I want to see her. I just wish to hold her hand on more time.

I almost did something so stupid on monday. About a month ago I reserved two tickets for the two of us to go to this show, nothing special, just thought it would be nice for us to do something together on a weekday night. I reserved the tickets before she broke it off. Well on Monday, I wanted to just email her the ticket. To see if she would have anything left in her to maybe want to go with me. Now i know that was such a stupid idea. It not only seems desperate of me, but I'm also being a complete fool for holding onto something that is completely gone. What would have happened if I really did send her the ticket? Would I be waiting on the corner like a fool if no one shows up. Which will most likely be the case. Because from how i see it, she doesnt want me in her life at all anymore.

Why am i so stupid to continue to think that I will fight for us. Yes it was like that from the beginning but things have changed now. She has changed. I have changed. But still every part of me wants us to have a fresh start. Thats the foolish side of me which believes in fairytales and happy endings. When the truth from the beginning is we need to be realistic. This is not a movie, there is no happy ending. People move on, and like everyone says, that moment in the past which you might hold so dearly right now will soon be just a closed chapter. Everything around me points to that solution. That she moved on, I should move on.

I've been pouring my heart out onto this blog once again for the past few weeks and the reason this blog was started was because of her. Because of the day in the past when I knew I loved this girl and there seemed like there was no way for us to be together. From those early post to these recent post I was happy. And now I am once again back in the same spot like I was in the beginning. Perhaps even worst because at least when I read back to the beginning of this blog I knew that past all the heartache past all the tears, that we ended up together. We loved each other so much for those times in between and everything just aligned perfectly. What do I have to look back to now at these depressing post recently.

The chapter might close over time, but memory will never fade. The memory of the unicorn that once stepped into my life. The short period of time when I achieved everything and more because nothing in this world could stop me from being with the woman I loved. Every obstacle in my way I tore down with everything I had to reach a point where I can hold her and tell her I loved her. And now all thats there are dreams and nightmares of being with her and losing her. Every morning I just wish she was still in my life and I can text her, no, call her to tell her I love her. With every passing day, she might close the chapter more and more and soon I will become her distant memory. She will pack every love we had in a box and store it in the darkest place in the dimmest setting. Our love will be locked away and I will just become an obstacle in her life before she reaches true happiness. The thought of that makes me feel terrible and I'm also rambling on about a lot of nonsense. This is where our lives will take us though, and even though two paths aligned right next to each other for a period of time, those two paths eventually split back off and head to their own directions. And no matter how much one path tries to follow, we cannot go backwards, and we will never catch back up to the time that was lost. This is our story. A story that has reached its ending. The end.

better half of me

When does the pain stop. Everyday I still imagine us having a chance to be back together. The emptiness, the loneliness, the loveless, it's all here and the only one who can fill the void is her. It all went wrong when I stopped trying as hard as I did in the beginning. And now no matter how much effort I put in, instead of passion it has become annoyance. Not only is she annoyed by it she can publicly announce to her friends of the stupid actions that I do. If this is someone who still loves you they wouldn't do that right? So does it really mean there is absolutely no hope left. It seems like the greatest struggle in my life to win her the first time a year and a half ago. And when we were finally together I put every ounce of my energy to show her how much she meant to me. I would tell my friends who keep saying I'm MIA all the time that it's because they don't know what love really is. Love is when I will unconditionally do anything to see her for another second. Do anything to make her happy, to see her smile, to see her return the same love we share.  I never regret missing out on all those events in buffalo while I went to Rochester on the weekends. Because no matter how fun people tell me it was, I had the most fun because she was around me. The love she made me realize is so extraordinary that I never thought a person let alone myself can ever feel that way about another. She opened my eyes on what it is meant to be in love with a person. All I want is for her to see that I am capable of becoming the person she fell in love with back then. I wish it wasn't too late that the way she feels about me is completely different now. And even if it was different and we can't even be friends again, I still want to try everything I can to chase her all over again. The questions i keep asking myself is whether I am being foolish or not. Foolish to be chasing her still at this point. Foolish to still be pouring my heart onto notes. What does it matter if she will never know everything I write everything I think. But what can I do? I can't just send over all the things I've written these past few weeks. She wants space which means she wants me to get over it not that she still thinks about it. And if I were to really send everything over she will just feel overwhelmed and I won't ever have her in my life again, neither friend or girlfriend. Is that I risk I can take? I can never hate her and I wish for her to never hate me. But I know seeing her will only hurt. If it gets this bad now. I can imagine how painful it will be to see her moved on and meeting someone new. I don't want to end up like that guy who is still in love with her after a decade. I don't want to continuously be turned down and become a monster. But I want her. I want her more than I will ever want anyone. She is the better half of me, and I am I not me without her.

days into weeks into months

weekends are good mind erasers. But its monday now and when i look back on the weekend, all i can think is that she wasn't there with me. Every night when i go home no matter how much fun i had during the day, i can only feel sad, sad that she is no longer in my life. And every morning when i wake up, it just feels so empty. That i cant even text her good morning. Cant even say i love you anymore. These past few weeks, not for a second can i not think about what she might be doing or how she might be feeling. As the weeks keep going by, she will probably forget me more and more and maybe i will miss her less and less as well. but that is not what i want. I dont want to think that in a few months i will just be a closed chapter in her life. I know i will not miss her less in the up coming days and i for sure know that she will not just be another chapter. Even if i do start dating the future, she will be coming the one that i will always think as the one for got away. If only i showed her how much i appreciated her before it got to this point. If only i could show her everyday that she meant the world to me. Im going to keep this one short and just say, i still miss her and its all types of terrible.