i dont know what to write. But the thing is I have so much thoughts in my head and the only way to make myself stop thinking it is to just type whatever im thinking out. There are seriously a million different things going on in my head whenever I have nothing to do and all million things point to her. I still havent stopped thinking about what she is doing, where she is at, and even who she might be with and whether she is happy or not. I dont want to turn into a stalker but I myself know that this is not okay. People around me keep telling me why does it matter, why do I care what she might be doing and stuff. Its true, it might not matter in other peoples eyes, and I'm really not suppose to think about it. Its not like we are together anymore. But I care about her so much. I want to talk to her so much, I want to see her. I just wish to hold her hand on more time.
I almost did something so stupid on monday. About a month ago I reserved two tickets for the two of us to go to this show, nothing special, just thought it would be nice for us to do something together on a weekday night. I reserved the tickets before she broke it off. Well on Monday, I wanted to just email her the ticket. To see if she would have anything left in her to maybe want to go with me. Now i know that was such a stupid idea. It not only seems desperate of me, but I'm also being a complete fool for holding onto something that is completely gone. What would have happened if I really did send her the ticket? Would I be waiting on the corner like a fool if no one shows up. Which will most likely be the case. Because from how i see it, she doesnt want me in her life at all anymore.
Why am i so stupid to continue to think that I will fight for us. Yes it was like that from the beginning but things have changed now. She has changed. I have changed. But still every part of me wants us to have a fresh start. Thats the foolish side of me which believes in fairytales and happy endings. When the truth from the beginning is we need to be realistic. This is not a movie, there is no happy ending. People move on, and like everyone says, that moment in the past which you might hold so dearly right now will soon be just a closed chapter. Everything around me points to that solution. That she moved on, I should move on.
I've been pouring my heart out onto this blog once again for the past few weeks and the reason this blog was started was because of her. Because of the day in the past when I knew I loved this girl and there seemed like there was no way for us to be together. From those early post to these recent post I was happy. And now I am once again back in the same spot like I was in the beginning. Perhaps even worst because at least when I read back to the beginning of this blog I knew that past all the heartache past all the tears, that we ended up together. We loved each other so much for those times in between and everything just aligned perfectly. What do I have to look back to now at these depressing post recently.
The chapter might close over time, but memory will never fade. The memory of the unicorn that once stepped into my life. The short period of time when I achieved everything and more because nothing in this world could stop me from being with the woman I loved. Every obstacle in my way I tore down with everything I had to reach a point where I can hold her and tell her I loved her. And now all thats there are dreams and nightmares of being with her and losing her. Every morning I just wish she was still in my life and I can text her, no, call her to tell her I love her. With every passing day, she might close the chapter more and more and soon I will become her distant memory. She will pack every love we had in a box and store it in the darkest place in the dimmest setting. Our love will be locked away and I will just become an obstacle in her life before she reaches true happiness. The thought of that makes me feel terrible and I'm also rambling on about a lot of nonsense. This is where our lives will take us though, and even though two paths aligned right next to each other for a period of time, those two paths eventually split back off and head to their own directions. And no matter how much one path tries to follow, we cannot go backwards, and we will never catch back up to the time that was lost. This is our story. A story that has reached its ending. The end.
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