better half of me

When does the pain stop. Everyday I still imagine us having a chance to be back together. The emptiness, the loneliness, the loveless, it's all here and the only one who can fill the void is her. It all went wrong when I stopped trying as hard as I did in the beginning. And now no matter how much effort I put in, instead of passion it has become annoyance. Not only is she annoyed by it she can publicly announce to her friends of the stupid actions that I do. If this is someone who still loves you they wouldn't do that right? So does it really mean there is absolutely no hope left. It seems like the greatest struggle in my life to win her the first time a year and a half ago. And when we were finally together I put every ounce of my energy to show her how much she meant to me. I would tell my friends who keep saying I'm MIA all the time that it's because they don't know what love really is. Love is when I will unconditionally do anything to see her for another second. Do anything to make her happy, to see her smile, to see her return the same love we share.  I never regret missing out on all those events in buffalo while I went to Rochester on the weekends. Because no matter how fun people tell me it was, I had the most fun because she was around me. The love she made me realize is so extraordinary that I never thought a person let alone myself can ever feel that way about another. She opened my eyes on what it is meant to be in love with a person. All I want is for her to see that I am capable of becoming the person she fell in love with back then. I wish it wasn't too late that the way she feels about me is completely different now. And even if it was different and we can't even be friends again, I still want to try everything I can to chase her all over again. The questions i keep asking myself is whether I am being foolish or not. Foolish to be chasing her still at this point. Foolish to still be pouring my heart onto notes. What does it matter if she will never know everything I write everything I think. But what can I do? I can't just send over all the things I've written these past few weeks. She wants space which means she wants me to get over it not that she still thinks about it. And if I were to really send everything over she will just feel overwhelmed and I won't ever have her in my life again, neither friend or girlfriend. Is that I risk I can take? I can never hate her and I wish for her to never hate me. But I know seeing her will only hurt. If it gets this bad now. I can imagine how painful it will be to see her moved on and meeting someone new. I don't want to end up like that guy who is still in love with her after a decade. I don't want to continuously be turned down and become a monster. But I want her. I want her more than I will ever want anyone. She is the better half of me, and I am I not me without her.