The end...?

i dont know what to write. But the thing is I have so much thoughts in my head and the only way to make myself stop thinking it is to just type whatever im thinking out. There are seriously a million different things going on in my head whenever I have nothing to do and all million things point to her. I still havent stopped thinking about what she is doing, where she is at, and even who she might be with and whether she is happy or not. I dont want to turn into a stalker but I myself know that this is not okay. People around me keep telling me why does it matter, why do I care what she might be doing and stuff. Its true, it might not matter in other peoples eyes, and I'm really not suppose to think about it. Its not like we are together anymore. But I care about her so much. I want to talk to her so much, I want to see her. I just wish to hold her hand on more time.

I almost did something so stupid on monday. About a month ago I reserved two tickets for the two of us to go to this show, nothing special, just thought it would be nice for us to do something together on a weekday night. I reserved the tickets before she broke it off. Well on Monday, I wanted to just email her the ticket. To see if she would have anything left in her to maybe want to go with me. Now i know that was such a stupid idea. It not only seems desperate of me, but I'm also being a complete fool for holding onto something that is completely gone. What would have happened if I really did send her the ticket? Would I be waiting on the corner like a fool if no one shows up. Which will most likely be the case. Because from how i see it, she doesnt want me in her life at all anymore.

Why am i so stupid to continue to think that I will fight for us. Yes it was like that from the beginning but things have changed now. She has changed. I have changed. But still every part of me wants us to have a fresh start. Thats the foolish side of me which believes in fairytales and happy endings. When the truth from the beginning is we need to be realistic. This is not a movie, there is no happy ending. People move on, and like everyone says, that moment in the past which you might hold so dearly right now will soon be just a closed chapter. Everything around me points to that solution. That she moved on, I should move on.

I've been pouring my heart out onto this blog once again for the past few weeks and the reason this blog was started was because of her. Because of the day in the past when I knew I loved this girl and there seemed like there was no way for us to be together. From those early post to these recent post I was happy. And now I am once again back in the same spot like I was in the beginning. Perhaps even worst because at least when I read back to the beginning of this blog I knew that past all the heartache past all the tears, that we ended up together. We loved each other so much for those times in between and everything just aligned perfectly. What do I have to look back to now at these depressing post recently.

The chapter might close over time, but memory will never fade. The memory of the unicorn that once stepped into my life. The short period of time when I achieved everything and more because nothing in this world could stop me from being with the woman I loved. Every obstacle in my way I tore down with everything I had to reach a point where I can hold her and tell her I loved her. And now all thats there are dreams and nightmares of being with her and losing her. Every morning I just wish she was still in my life and I can text her, no, call her to tell her I love her. With every passing day, she might close the chapter more and more and soon I will become her distant memory. She will pack every love we had in a box and store it in the darkest place in the dimmest setting. Our love will be locked away and I will just become an obstacle in her life before she reaches true happiness. The thought of that makes me feel terrible and I'm also rambling on about a lot of nonsense. This is where our lives will take us though, and even though two paths aligned right next to each other for a period of time, those two paths eventually split back off and head to their own directions. And no matter how much one path tries to follow, we cannot go backwards, and we will never catch back up to the time that was lost. This is our story. A story that has reached its ending. The end.

better half of me

When does the pain stop. Everyday I still imagine us having a chance to be back together. The emptiness, the loneliness, the loveless, it's all here and the only one who can fill the void is her. It all went wrong when I stopped trying as hard as I did in the beginning. And now no matter how much effort I put in, instead of passion it has become annoyance. Not only is she annoyed by it she can publicly announce to her friends of the stupid actions that I do. If this is someone who still loves you they wouldn't do that right? So does it really mean there is absolutely no hope left. It seems like the greatest struggle in my life to win her the first time a year and a half ago. And when we were finally together I put every ounce of my energy to show her how much she meant to me. I would tell my friends who keep saying I'm MIA all the time that it's because they don't know what love really is. Love is when I will unconditionally do anything to see her for another second. Do anything to make her happy, to see her smile, to see her return the same love we share.  I never regret missing out on all those events in buffalo while I went to Rochester on the weekends. Because no matter how fun people tell me it was, I had the most fun because she was around me. The love she made me realize is so extraordinary that I never thought a person let alone myself can ever feel that way about another. She opened my eyes on what it is meant to be in love with a person. All I want is for her to see that I am capable of becoming the person she fell in love with back then. I wish it wasn't too late that the way she feels about me is completely different now. And even if it was different and we can't even be friends again, I still want to try everything I can to chase her all over again. The questions i keep asking myself is whether I am being foolish or not. Foolish to be chasing her still at this point. Foolish to still be pouring my heart onto notes. What does it matter if she will never know everything I write everything I think. But what can I do? I can't just send over all the things I've written these past few weeks. She wants space which means she wants me to get over it not that she still thinks about it. And if I were to really send everything over she will just feel overwhelmed and I won't ever have her in my life again, neither friend or girlfriend. Is that I risk I can take? I can never hate her and I wish for her to never hate me. But I know seeing her will only hurt. If it gets this bad now. I can imagine how painful it will be to see her moved on and meeting someone new. I don't want to end up like that guy who is still in love with her after a decade. I don't want to continuously be turned down and become a monster. But I want her. I want her more than I will ever want anyone. She is the better half of me, and I am I not me without her.

days into weeks into months

weekends are good mind erasers. But its monday now and when i look back on the weekend, all i can think is that she wasn't there with me. Every night when i go home no matter how much fun i had during the day, i can only feel sad, sad that she is no longer in my life. And every morning when i wake up, it just feels so empty. That i cant even text her good morning. Cant even say i love you anymore. These past few weeks, not for a second can i not think about what she might be doing or how she might be feeling. As the weeks keep going by, she will probably forget me more and more and maybe i will miss her less and less as well. but that is not what i want. I dont want to think that in a few months i will just be a closed chapter in her life. I know i will not miss her less in the up coming days and i for sure know that she will not just be another chapter. Even if i do start dating the future, she will be coming the one that i will always think as the one for got away. If only i showed her how much i appreciated her before it got to this point. If only i could show her everyday that she meant the world to me. Im going to keep this one short and just say, i still miss her and its all types of terrible.

Misery at its finest

Do you know what its like to love someone so much that you are completely head over heels for them. When you are together you took them for granted. Even while you deep down love them so much, you forgot to show it to them, you forgot to cherish them, you forgot to let them know exactly how special they are every single day. And then they are out of your life. Gone. And now you realize again just how much they mean to you. Why are you like this? Why did you fuck up something so magical by forgetting what she really meant to you while she was there. Now she has lost all feelings for you and you are heart broken, well guess what, its your own damn fault. You made her lose feelings, you stopped trying to make her happy, you forgot what it was like to chase her till the end of the world just to have her in your arms. She means the world to you but you fucked everything up. All you can do is keep praying that you will get another moment, another chance to have her in your life again. and those are so close to none. FML

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

Another night, another dream.

So i've come to the conclusion that as stubborn as i am to not take any advice. One thing i must do is to stop bothering her. If she is that important to me, the last thing i want is to drive her away even further. It's going to be hard because when someone is that important to you, you cant do what you want anymore because what you want might be to never let them go and always be in their life. But what they want is some space. Whether that space means to further reflect on our relationship or whether it is definitely finalize and she just doesnt want us to ever happen again, the best thing i can do for both situations is to just stay back. If what she wants is for me to respect her decision, I must drop what i want.

This morning I had another vivid dream of us together. It was so great that i didnt want to wake up. I woke up for a second and looked at the clock and saw that it was 7:00am and i didnt even set my alarm. So i set it for an hour later and went back to sleep hoping for the same dream to continue. And luckily it does and it seemed like such a long and happy dream. When the alarm rang, I quickly snoozed and usually the dream would have been over and i would just lay there until my body can get up, but this morning was different. The snooze was pressed and the dream continued. 9 minutes later the alarm went off again, the snooze was pressed, and once again, the dream was able to go on. It was wonderful how happy i was in the dream but when i finally wake up. I know reality is upon me and i am without her once again.

I dont know how long this will continue. I dont even know how long it will be before i can move on. Do i even want to move on? I'm so sick of watching all these sad videos especially wong fu productions "stranger again" which fits so well in our situation. But i dont want to follow how the world is suppose to turn. I want to make changes. I want to be different from all other relationships. I want us to make it through the end. I want us.

if only dreams were reality

last night i slightly remember having two dreams. two dreams both with her in them. Although like they say, its extremely hard to remember your dreams after you wake up, i can still remember we were happy. It seemed so vivid when the dream was happening and i fooled myself into thinking that it might be reality. That we did get back together and we were once again extremely happy where we were in our relationship.

Thats the things with dreams though, that even if you might not remember the whole dream when you wake up, you still feel the impression it left on you throughout the day. As much as i try to tell myself throughout the day yesterday and into last night that i will just need to preoccupy myself and not thinking about her. The dream speaks truth of what my mind is thinking. No matter how much i try to push her into the small pocket of my mind, once i fall asleep, the only person that i want to dream about and the only person that shows up in my dream, is her.

It sounds completely crazy to hold onto that small hope of us being able to speak again, maybe not as a couple but at least friends. It sounds even more insane to think that if we ever did start talking again that theres a possibility that the spark will light the fire again. But thats the hope that clings on even if i try to brush it away, even if the whole world tells me to rebound or to concentrate on something else.

Dreams are not reality and the small time of happiness when i'm not conscious doesnt define how i feel when i wake up. But who doesnt want their reality to match up to their dream?

still missing something

Just got some good news. House i checked out on saturday called back and we agreed with terms and ill be putting down a down payment in a few days. Moving in will also be soon. Although this is made me slightly happy, it just sucks to know that this whole journey was so i can live out on my own and so she can come over and we will have more privacy then at her parents place. All the things we talked about in the past, about how she will decorate my room, how we will look at furniture together, all gone.

Moving out on my own is great and all but how great is it if i dont get to share it with you. i have always looked forward to the day where we could be going back to my place instead of your place and now that dream seems so distant. Whats the point of having my own place now. Whats the point if you are not in my life to share everything with. Whats the point.

lost presence

When two people break up, everyone always say it's the hardest near the beginning because everywhere you go everywhere you look everything reminds you of them.

Yesterday I went to the gym and just walking into the gym made me miss her so much because we use to come here together and after working out I would take the subway with her. Those were my highlights on tuesdays and thursdays. I found myself constantly looking over the the elliptical machine and thinking of just having a moment where I can see her there running and seeing how beautiful she looks. I use to walk over once in awhile just to say hey because i miss her knowing that shes there at the gym but on the elliptical while i would be by the weights.

Life just seems so different without her here. I woke up extra early yesterday to hop on the train and hope to catch her going to work as well. As if everything aligned perfectly, I really did catch her at 36th street and couldnt help myself by say hi and wanted to take her to work. She was amazing. I missed seeing her face, i missed talking to her, i missed asking her how she was doing. But i ended up ruining something so perfect and she told me that she was uncomfortable being there and that she asked for space and I didnt respect that, instead I basically cornered her to talk to her. I felt so terrible hearing those things but at the same time i was just so happy to see her again.

She means so much to me, why did i have to ruin something so special. Some one so special deserves the best. Someone so special deserves to be chased nonstop without pause even after you two are together and everything seems to be okay. Why didnt I do that for her. I love her so much that I've always wanted to constantly chase her and make her feel special.

Food has lost all taste, everything seem so hard to swallow. Every place i go eat with friends makes me think how much i would rather eat with her. To spend time with her. To tell her i miss her and that I'm so happy with her. Even if the whole world tells me to move on and time heals all. I'm still the stubborn person i was when i first chased her. Because I deep down have figured out a long time ago, that she is one person that if i let go, i will not find another as special as her.

holding on to your dearest

i want to tell her how special she is. i wish she only still knew that she meant the world to me. i could have just expressed how i feel about her every time i see her but instead i dont say anything and i realize that must be terrible to think that your boyfriend doesnt even notice you. But i notice her everyday and she is still the most beautiful girl i have ever met. I remember having a conversation with her telling her that in the beginning and she told me that she doesnt think herself is that pretty but to me, she honestly was the most beautiful person i have ever laid my eyes on. so what happened. i still love her so much and think about her constantly. if only she believed in second chances. its so hard to just let the love of your life walk away, and here becoming further and further distant. the more i try to win her back the more i feel like she will avoid me. she asked me to give her space and i know i must respect that but space is what she wants and what i want is to just have another chance to hold her and kiss her and tell her that she deserves the best and i made many mistakes in the past but my eyes are open that she is the best and all i want is to treat her that way. aside from the enormous foot print she put in my heart, she was also my purpose, my goal, and my life. i wish i could have realized this sooner but we all hear that if someone that special walks into your life, you better not let them go. well i dont want to let her go. i want to cherish her and make her feel loved again and make sure that she knows everyday that if theres one thing that is on my mind, it is to make her happy because her happiness is my happiness.